( Sam's staring at his makeshift map of the city and the surrounding areas, his hope that Dean is in this universe somewhere finally starting to wane when faced with all the marked off places he's already looked, when he hears the frantic knocking at his door. He's on his feet quickly, a hand already on his gun, but when he looks through the peephole of the door, his demeanor swiftly changes from on high alert to deeply concerned. )
Woah - hey, hey. ( Sam's already opening the door when he speaks, an arm reaching to pull Jack inside the relative safety of the motel room. He looks behind him outside for a split second, in case the cause of Jack's obvious distress is physical. But when he can't spot anything, he closes and bolts the door, then puts his pistol on the table before turning back to Jack, worry lining his face. The kid looks devastated, and Sam's heart hurts at the sight. ) What's wrong?
[ Sam's immediate concern for him is soothing, although not much can soothe him at the moment, but at least he still cares. Sam's always cared about him, from the moment he was born, he showed concern and kindness, and it became a beacon for Jack in those early days, someone he could hold onto and trust with Castiel dead. In many ways, Sam has been his center, the first person close to him, the first who showed him love. The only person who could have convinced him to put himself in the box, or the only person who Lucifer could use to try and squirm closer to him in the other universe. Sam Winchester.]
Castiel and I got into a terrible fight and we said some things and he yelled at me and he's afraid of me.
[ Jack is usually pretty calm from Sam's experience with him so far because he hasn't gotten to the worst of times for his kid, so seeing him unraveling like this, tears in his eyes, heartbroken, would be new. Sam would also know that Castiel is pretty much the only person who never feared Jack and always treated him gently.]
He said he was subjecting himself to me and indulging me, and he didn't want us to travel together because I couldn't control myself.
[ Which was fair, given the situation that led there, but Jack isn't thinking fairly or logically at the moment, he's having an emotional breakdown.]
And then he said something so terrible, I ... Sam, he sees me like Dean did, he thinks I'm a monster, I can see it, he will never love me.
( Sam really hasn't seen Jack like this before, upset and falling apart at the seams, and it raises almost as much alarm in him as it does concern. There's a lot of information being thrown Sam's way at the same time, and he doesn't know how to even begin to sort through it, while Jack only grows more and more distraught in front of him. He used to dealing with a crisis - that's been his entire life, frankly, one big crisis - but this one is a curveball. Sam doesn't even know what to address first.
So he reacts on instinct instead, pulling Jack into his arms like it's something he's done a hundred times before. It surprises him a bit, the way Sam's body almost moves without conscious thought as he rubs Jack's back soothingly and tucks Jack's head under his chin, letting his tears wet his shirt. Like this is something he knows in his bones how to do. But he's not questioning where these instincts are coming right now. He'll follow them if it means Jack hurts even marginally less than he does now. )
It's okay. ( Words meant to soothe more than reflect the truth, if what Jack's saying is true, but he says it anyway, low and calming. ) Just breathe, Jack. Right now, just focus on breathing, okay?
[ Jack is an emotional person but in the beginning he was much more confused and placid and learning about the world as it came to him. When he was upset it was intense and sudden, but it generally smoothed away into his calm acceptance of simply experiencing life and reacting as things came to him. But his fight in the other world against Michael started to make him vicious, to his enemies, and his death and loss of his soul really ripped apart his concept of self.
It's been a short and tragic life so far and being here has given him many things, but he's also vulnerable. He doesn't know how to fix things for Castiel who has always been a refuge for him, a parent who never gave him any less than himself. He's starting to see maybe he wasn't as perfect as he thought, and Castiel had an entire history that he never showed or told Jack. He's starting to think that maybe it wasn't wise of him to keep Jack ignorant, but criticizing his parents seems beyond him at this time.
Sam for example does know what he needs even if there is experience between them that hasn't happened. Jack gets enveloped in Sam's arms and immediately hugs him back, burrowing his head in Sam's shoulder like he is an actual child seeking comfort. He's only truly cried like this after he got his soul back, but there's a lot that has happened to him in a short amount of time.
He breathes because Sam tells him to and he clings. Castiel doesn't love him but Sam does. It's something. It's enough.]
He accused me altering his mind. That I forced him to love me when I was in my mother, and that's why he was loyal.
[ That is something that will haunt Jack even if he aggressively had denied it. The idea never occurred to him.]
I know he's very sad and depressed but he really thinks that of me.
[ Jack feels sorrow for Castiel and everything he's going through, he's been around him enough times to know that he is dealing with his own pain. But it's just such a hard line in the sand that he can't surpass.]
I didn't, Sam. I didn't do that to any of you.
[ If he was that person, he would have done it to Dean a long time ago, but it's important to him that Sam believes him.]
( It frightens Sam more than a little, the future that Jack comes from. If their timeline is the same one, then they have facing God's destruction to look forward to, even if Lucifer and Michael are dead. He hasn't asked Jack any more questions about that future, even though he probably should, but he's been so focused on trying to find Dean in this universe, he's let it sit on the back burner. But this Jack's clearly been through so much more than the Jack Sam's knows, and the added stress of Castiel not knowing him has led him to this emotional breakdown. Sam doesn't have the first clue how to actually fix things, but he has to try.
So when he lets go of Jack, he's still only a reach away. He only breaks the contact to coax Jack onto one of the motel beds. ) Cm'on, sit down. I'll get you some water. ( Sam's voice is gentle as he guides Jack down, and once he's settled, he goes to get the glass of water like he said he would. When he returns, he hands it to Jack, making sure his hands aren't shaking too badly. ) Finish this, slowly, then we'll talk, okay? ( He's hoping the moderation will also help Jack calm his breathing.
As Jack drinks, Sam sits opposite him on the other motel bed, hands clasped together and he looks at Jack with his brows furrowed. He really has no idea where to start with all of this, and he can hardly speak for Castiel. There's a spark of frustration in his chest towards the angel - he didn't have to like Jack, but Jack's still a kid - but it's irrational, and he has no time for it right now. He might as well start with what he does know. )
Jack, I know you didn't alter our minds. I know what Heavenly influence is, and that's not what you did to Castiel, or any of us. ( Of course, Sam had been suspicious of this very fact when Kelly was pregnant with Jack, and Dean was convinced that the unborn baby must have tricked her and Castiel both by doing just what this Castiel suggested - altering their minds - but Sam doesn't think that's true anymore, and he hasn't since he met Jack himself. Yes, he's inherited Lucifer's powers, but Jack has never messed with their minds the way Lucifer loved to. The silver lining of knowing Lucifer so well, as much as he wishes he doesn't, is that Sam is confident that Jack isn't his biological father - and even if he was, it wouldn't matter in this regard. ) Not even Lucifer can make someone love them against their will.
[ Jack does as Sam says without any hesitation. He sits where he tells him to, he takes the water when it's handed to him. A lot has happened in the past few years and this is not the first time anyone has doubted his motivations or intentions. With power like his, he understands why everyone was concerned, and he doesn't blame them. But it still hurts him to feel back there again, when he worked so hard to prove himself.
But this Sam doesn't know about Mary. Jack is too afraid to tell him. Then they'll both reject him and he'll hide with Rowena, who does know, so he has her. But he doesn't think he can handle rejection from both Castiel and Sam right then. He's always been fragile. He's more aware of that than ever, and no matter how much he's tried to be strong and mature now, he knows what even a little bit of temper on his part can do.
He relaxes when Sam reassures him and it helps that he adds that no one can do that, because a part of him did fear it. He's always afraid of becoming Lucifer.]
I don't remember everything from that time, but I know I never fulfilled my end of the vision. [ It's said glumly, because he knows that it is what made Castiel trust him.] But I think maybe that's why my destiny is to kill Chuck. Maybe that's what it meant all along, and I'll finally have proved myself.
[ Jack has a fate, it was made pretty obvious by Chuck's death book. He was meant to do something no one else could. Perhaps that fate is the vision too.]
He's so sad, Sam, and I'm trying to take care of him, I'm trying to look after him like he would, but it's hard when he doesn't want me.
( Honestly, Sam had almost forgotten the vision that Jack had shown Castiel of paradise on Earth in the womb. He hadn't considered the veracity of it after Jack was born, too busy mourning the loss of Castiel, planning on getting Mary back, and trying his best to take care of Jack, period. The idea that the vision Castiel saw felt like a faraway possibility at that point, and definitely too much expectation to dump on a kid who was still getting the hang of his powers. Sam felt bad enough for placing the expectation of saving Mary on him, back in the beginning. It's not something he thinks Jack should concern himself now, if killing God really is on the menu back in his - possibly their - timeline.
Still, Sam thinks he understands what Jack means, about proving his worth and his destiny. He knows from experience how exhausting it is to start from scratch - though in Sam's case, it was to earn back the trust he had broken rather than prove himself to a family member who doesn't remember him. And that's why Jack's words make him worry. When he was in that headspace, he would have done anything to remedy his mistakes, and he had. But Jack doesn't have any mistakes to make up for, as far as he knows. The burden of being a stranger to the man he considers his father is enough to drive him to desperation. )
Don't worry about the vision, especially right now. I don't think... that's why Cas is upset. ( Frankly, Sam can't speak on why Castiel is upset since he hasn't properly talked to him, and Sam is really kicking himself for that right now. That will have to be next on the list, especially if what Jack saying is true. They had only spoken on the phone, so Castiel's demeanor had been hard to gauge, and Jack had been around him a lot more often. Maybe too often. )
I know you are, bud. ( Sam gives him a small smile, one he hopes is reassuring. ) But everyone needs their space sometimes, even in the best of conditions, and this isn't exactly the best. What exactly did he say to you?
He said I made him into what I needed and that I was in his head and changed him. He said his head had been torn by others before by people forcing loyalty and that they were nothing in power compared to me.
( Jack remembers exactly what Castiel said because it got to him, so deeply. He's not going to forget those words any time soon. It felt like personal attack after personal attack, and while he intellectually doesn't think that is what Castiel was trying to do to a cruel level, it felt terrible. If others manipulated his mind, he's projecting, he is assuming the worst of Jack, and Jack is Lucifer's child who has done that to many people, of course he might think that he could be capable.
Jack drinks his water and looks down at it, setting it down and considering the next part before saying it. Because he knows that this opens some doors he doesn't want to entirely talk about, but it is relevant to his concerns.)
I was mad at you and Dean for lying to me, and I made the entire world stop lying by just saying so. It caused a lot of bad things. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
( In Jack's mind at the time, lying was bad so it would be a good thing if no one could lie. Then they'd always tell the truth. But it was wrong to manipulate everyone's minds like that and he realized that after it happened, but at the time, all he'd been is angry and hurt. Castiel's fear of him is very real and Jack's fear of himself is also very real. He almost never means harm, but he still causes it.)
And I'm stronger now. Double what I was then. I don't know what I'm capable of. He said he thought he should kill me. I planned on dying to stop Chuck and I felt like that was okay, because maybe I shouldn't be alive at all.
( Sam can't help but sit up a little straighter at what Jack tells him, a chime of alert sounding in his nervous system without his say, because Jack's right: that's a lot more power than he had before. For the first time in years, his mind travels back to when Dean got him from Stanford and Sam's own powers began to develop. And for the first time, he looks at that situation from Dean's point of view, the balance of trepidation and fierce love his brother carried for him, watching Sam morph into something he might have to be afraid of, might have to hunt. It had to have felt at least something like this moment, precarious and unknown and chilling. If Jack really can manipulate others...
But what Jack says next tips the mental scale firmly in the direction of Sam's love - because he knows he loves Jack, he's felt like his kid for a while now, he's just never had the conviction to say it - because Sam has been on his side of this situation, too, and he knows exactly how dark that path can become if Jack follows it down. And Sam has to keep that from happening, no matter what else might happen to them. )
Hey. Look at me. This is important. ( Sam ducks his head a bit to match Jack's eyesight, making sure the kid is giving him his full attention. There's a thread of authority in his tone now, emerging from his worry, but he dampens the edge of it with quiet sincerity. ) I don't know everything you've done in your timeline, and I know people have gotten hurt. But whatever mistakes you've made aren't worth your life.
( What had gone so wrong in the future for them to decide that Jack's life was a sacrifice any of them were willing make? He can't dwell on that now, as much as the thought haunts him, so he keeps talking, hoping Jack will listen. He knows that in Jack's shoes, Sam would - did - react with disbelief and doubt, so he takes a breath and draws water from his own tainted, bloody well to make his position clear to Jack. ) And listen, I get it. I've... I've been there before. Thought that I could only make up for my wrongs by taking myself off the board. ( And he did. But it's that exact conclusion that terrifies him now; that's the last thing he wants Jack to do. ) But we're more than just the sum of our mistakes, Jack. I know it doesn't feel that way sometimes, but it's true. You don't have to prove yourself worthy enough to keep living. Do you understand?
( Some pleading slips into his voice towards the end, despite himself, because he knows more than anyone how it feels like to be an abomination. And he wouldn't wish that on anyone, but especially not Jack. But the idea of losing Jack fills him with a familiar terror, the same he's felt at the prospect of losing all his loved ones, so he has to be very clear about it. ) I don't care what this Castiel says about you. I know you, and I need you to trust me when I say we need you here.
Jack wants to tell him then about Mary just to spit it all out, the worst thing he ever did, but ( Sam from his time forgave him, and he doesn't know if he will again. Not without the experience of loving and losing Jack before that, which made it harder for him to swallow, hating the child he'd raised. Maybe in time he'll believe he can be honest and not lose the love he's clinging to, but he's not there yet. Castiel already hates him (in his mind).
He listens to Sam instead but there's uncertainty in his gaze. He wants to believe him but he's unsure if he should. He remembers when Sam told him that he understood what it was like to be him and he's bringing it up now too. To know that Sam also had feelings like this at some point is somewhat helpful, and maybe gives Jack some insight into why Sam so aggressively refused to listen to reason about him killing Chuck no matter what the cost. )
You're a good father, Sam, you always have been.
( Sam was his first real parent, because Castiel was dead when Jack was born. Sam took over for him for the start, and he treated him kindly and gently. Jack connected to him right away, and for him at least, he's always seen clearly the way he loves his parents. Even a complicated one like Dean. )
But this Castiel sees me as Dean sees me. And I've never thought that they were wrong.
( It hurt his feelings, obviously, Dean's hatred of him stung a great deal in those early days. Eventually they established a relationship, but he destroyed it with Mary. Still, he always rationally understood Dean's point of view, even as it upset him. Maybe not in the start, before he did anything bad, but later on, it became so clear. )
It's a very present concern that I'm three times an archangel now. I'm extremely dangerous. I'm doing my best to control it but I could be a threat to this world.
( Jack's words stop Sam in his tracks. He looks at him, frozen, eyes wide in a quiet kind of awe for a second. Jack called Sam his father. For a moment, that's the only thing that matters. Sam loves Jack, he's known that for a while now, maybe since Jack first disappeared on them and Sam tried everything to get him back. But he never thought he had the right to think of Jack as his kid, not when Jack chose Castiel to be his father, and Sam just happened to be the one willing to step up in his absence, defend Jack from Dean's accusations and try his best to help Jack navitage through the insanity of their lives. Hearing Jack actually call him his father, knowing he thinks of Sam that way, that's different. A different that, for once, isn't horrible or traumatic. The word 'father' knocks him off his feet, but it also warms his heart, and despite the mounds of bullshit they're dealing with, Sam just feels incredibly lucky.
But Jack keeps talking, so Sam pulls it together as best he can, shifting and letting out a small cough before focusing on Jack's concerns instead of his own feelings. Jack's worries aren't unfounded, and Sam doesn't have the answers to soothe them, doesn't even have a plan to help Jack feel a stronger sense of control. All he can really do is be here for him, and be the person who isn't afraid of him. And despite knowing Jack is more powerful than ever before, Sam really isn't afraid. Yes, things with Jack are complicated, but since when is anything in their family not? He knows Jack's a good kid, he always has. )
Well... ( Sam tilts his head thoughtfully, trying to put his thoughts into careful words. ) In a way, it's the same as when we met, right? I know you're more powerful, and you have every right to be concerned, but your powers are still yours, Jack. I think, like back then, the best thing we can do is what we've done before. Tread cautiously, but still use what we know to try to be the good guys. And I already know you can do that. ( Sam gives him a small, encouraging smile. ) I know that's not an answer, and I know it doesn't make the stuff with Cas any better. And you can always talk to me about any of it, you know that, right?
( Another time, Jack would have been perceptive enough to pick up on Sam's surprise and emotional journey related to him calling him father for the first time. By his time, Sam knows that he's Jack's father, and their relationship is incredibly strong. Stronger perhaps than any other bond that he has, Castiel included. But he is too upset at the moment to pay much attention to anything other than his own fear and suffering.
Castiel's hit upon one of Jack's greatest weaknesses: his fear of himself and what he can do. It's been there from the first day, and while he's managed to do great things with his powers, and protect people using them, it's such an uncontrollable problem. A part of him does wonder if Castiel is right. He could have manipulated his mind. It's within his powers. He keeps expecting this Castiel to love him so it's difficult to understand that he can't.)
I haven't always been the good guy, Sam. I haven't always made you proud. I was out of control for a while and you had to lock me away, which I was mad about then, but I knew afterward you were right.
( It's said casually but to be frank, it was anything but casual to Jack at the time. He doesn't hold it against Sam though, not now. He sees so clearly on the other side of it the point they had to make. Jack proved that fear correct. And now he sees himself climbing up past that.)
But we don't have anything like a ma'lak box here. If I go wrong again, who can stop me?
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Woah - hey, hey. ( Sam's already opening the door when he speaks, an arm reaching to pull Jack inside the relative safety of the motel room. He looks behind him outside for a split second, in case the cause of Jack's obvious distress is physical. But when he can't spot anything, he closes and bolts the door, then puts his pistol on the table before turning back to Jack, worry lining his face. The kid looks devastated, and Sam's heart hurts at the sight. ) What's wrong?
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Castiel and I got into a terrible fight and we said some things and he yelled at me and he's afraid of me.
[ Jack is usually pretty calm from Sam's experience with him so far because he hasn't gotten to the worst of times for his kid, so seeing him unraveling like this, tears in his eyes, heartbroken, would be new. Sam would also know that Castiel is pretty much the only person who never feared Jack and always treated him gently.]
He said he was subjecting himself to me and indulging me, and he didn't want us to travel together because I couldn't control myself.
[ Which was fair, given the situation that led there, but Jack isn't thinking fairly or logically at the moment, he's having an emotional breakdown.]
And then he said something so terrible, I ... Sam, he sees me like Dean did, he thinks I'm a monster, I can see it, he will never love me.
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So he reacts on instinct instead, pulling Jack into his arms like it's something he's done a hundred times before. It surprises him a bit, the way Sam's body almost moves without conscious thought as he rubs Jack's back soothingly and tucks Jack's head under his chin, letting his tears wet his shirt. Like this is something he knows in his bones how to do. But he's not questioning where these instincts are coming right now. He'll follow them if it means Jack hurts even marginally less than he does now. )
It's okay. ( Words meant to soothe more than reflect the truth, if what Jack's saying is true, but he says it anyway, low and calming. ) Just breathe, Jack. Right now, just focus on breathing, okay?
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It's been a short and tragic life so far and being here has given him many things, but he's also vulnerable. He doesn't know how to fix things for Castiel who has always been a refuge for him, a parent who never gave him any less than himself. He's starting to see maybe he wasn't as perfect as he thought, and Castiel had an entire history that he never showed or told Jack. He's starting to think that maybe it wasn't wise of him to keep Jack ignorant, but criticizing his parents seems beyond him at this time.
Sam for example does know what he needs even if there is experience between them that hasn't happened. Jack gets enveloped in Sam's arms and immediately hugs him back, burrowing his head in Sam's shoulder like he is an actual child seeking comfort. He's only truly cried like this after he got his soul back, but there's a lot that has happened to him in a short amount of time.
He breathes because Sam tells him to and he clings. Castiel doesn't love him but Sam does. It's something. It's enough.]
He accused me altering his mind. That I forced him to love me when I was in my mother, and that's why he was loyal.
[ That is something that will haunt Jack even if he aggressively had denied it. The idea never occurred to him.]
I know he's very sad and depressed but he really thinks that of me.
[ Jack feels sorrow for Castiel and everything he's going through, he's been around him enough times to know that he is dealing with his own pain. But it's just such a hard line in the sand that he can't surpass.]
I didn't, Sam. I didn't do that to any of you.
[ If he was that person, he would have done it to Dean a long time ago, but it's important to him that Sam believes him.]
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So when he lets go of Jack, he's still only a reach away. He only breaks the contact to coax Jack onto one of the motel beds. ) Cm'on, sit down. I'll get you some water. ( Sam's voice is gentle as he guides Jack down, and once he's settled, he goes to get the glass of water like he said he would. When he returns, he hands it to Jack, making sure his hands aren't shaking too badly. ) Finish this, slowly, then we'll talk, okay? ( He's hoping the moderation will also help Jack calm his breathing.
As Jack drinks, Sam sits opposite him on the other motel bed, hands clasped together and he looks at Jack with his brows furrowed. He really has no idea where to start with all of this, and he can hardly speak for Castiel. There's a spark of frustration in his chest towards the angel - he didn't have to like Jack, but Jack's still a kid - but it's irrational, and he has no time for it right now. He might as well start with what he does know. )
Jack, I know you didn't alter our minds. I know what Heavenly influence is, and that's not what you did to Castiel, or any of us. ( Of course, Sam had been suspicious of this very fact when Kelly was pregnant with Jack, and Dean was convinced that the unborn baby must have tricked her and Castiel both by doing just what this Castiel suggested - altering their minds - but Sam doesn't think that's true anymore, and he hasn't since he met Jack himself. Yes, he's inherited Lucifer's powers, but Jack has never messed with their minds the way Lucifer loved to. The silver lining of knowing Lucifer so well, as much as he wishes he doesn't, is that Sam is confident that Jack isn't his biological father - and even if he was, it wouldn't matter in this regard. ) Not even Lucifer can make someone love them against their will.
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But this Sam doesn't know about Mary. Jack is too afraid to tell him. Then they'll both reject him and he'll hide with Rowena, who does know, so he has her. But he doesn't think he can handle rejection from both Castiel and Sam right then. He's always been fragile. He's more aware of that than ever, and no matter how much he's tried to be strong and mature now, he knows what even a little bit of temper on his part can do.
He relaxes when Sam reassures him and it helps that he adds that no one can do that, because a part of him did fear it. He's always afraid of becoming Lucifer.]
I don't remember everything from that time, but I know I never fulfilled my end of the vision. [ It's said glumly, because he knows that it is what made Castiel trust him.] But I think maybe that's why my destiny is to kill Chuck. Maybe that's what it meant all along, and I'll finally have proved myself.
[ Jack has a fate, it was made pretty obvious by Chuck's death book. He was meant to do something no one else could. Perhaps that fate is the vision too.]
He's so sad, Sam, and I'm trying to take care of him, I'm trying to look after him like he would, but it's hard when he doesn't want me.
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Still, Sam thinks he understands what Jack means, about proving his worth and his destiny. He knows from experience how exhausting it is to start from scratch - though in Sam's case, it was to earn back the trust he had broken rather than prove himself to a family member who doesn't remember him. And that's why Jack's words make him worry. When he was in that headspace, he would have done anything to remedy his mistakes, and he had. But Jack doesn't have any mistakes to make up for, as far as he knows. The burden of being a stranger to the man he considers his father is enough to drive him to desperation. )
Don't worry about the vision, especially right now. I don't think... that's why Cas is upset. ( Frankly, Sam can't speak on why Castiel is upset since he hasn't properly talked to him, and Sam is really kicking himself for that right now. That will have to be next on the list, especially if what Jack saying is true. They had only spoken on the phone, so Castiel's demeanor had been hard to gauge, and Jack had been around him a lot more often. Maybe too often. )
I know you are, bud. ( Sam gives him a small smile, one he hopes is reassuring. ) But everyone needs their space sometimes, even in the best of conditions, and this isn't exactly the best. What exactly did he say to you?
some suicidal-ish thoughts
( Jack remembers exactly what Castiel said because it got to him, so deeply. He's not going to forget those words any time soon. It felt like personal attack after personal attack, and while he intellectually doesn't think that is what Castiel was trying to do to a cruel level, it felt terrible. If others manipulated his mind, he's projecting, he is assuming the worst of Jack, and Jack is Lucifer's child who has done that to many people, of course he might think that he could be capable.
Jack drinks his water and looks down at it, setting it down and considering the next part before saying it. Because he knows that this opens some doors he doesn't want to entirely talk about, but it is relevant to his concerns.)
I was mad at you and Dean for lying to me, and I made the entire world stop lying by just saying so. It caused a lot of bad things. I didn't mean to hurt anyone.
( In Jack's mind at the time, lying was bad so it would be a good thing if no one could lie. Then they'd always tell the truth. But it was wrong to manipulate everyone's minds like that and he realized that after it happened, but at the time, all he'd been is angry and hurt. Castiel's fear of him is very real and Jack's fear of himself is also very real. He almost never means harm, but he still causes it.)
And I'm stronger now. Double what I was then. I don't know what I'm capable of. He said he thought he should kill me. I planned on dying to stop Chuck and I felt like that was okay, because maybe I shouldn't be alive at all.
cw more suicide talk
But what Jack says next tips the mental scale firmly in the direction of Sam's love - because he knows he loves Jack, he's felt like his kid for a while now, he's just never had the conviction to say it - because Sam has been on his side of this situation, too, and he knows exactly how dark that path can become if Jack follows it down. And Sam has to keep that from happening, no matter what else might happen to them. )
Hey. Look at me. This is important. ( Sam ducks his head a bit to match Jack's eyesight, making sure the kid is giving him his full attention. There's a thread of authority in his tone now, emerging from his worry, but he dampens the edge of it with quiet sincerity. ) I don't know everything you've done in your timeline, and I know people have gotten hurt. But whatever mistakes you've made aren't worth your life.
( What had gone so wrong in the future for them to decide that Jack's life was a sacrifice any of them were willing make? He can't dwell on that now, as much as the thought haunts him, so he keeps talking, hoping Jack will listen. He knows that in Jack's shoes, Sam would - did - react with disbelief and doubt, so he takes a breath and draws water from his own tainted, bloody well to make his position clear to Jack. ) And listen, I get it. I've... I've been there before. Thought that I could only make up for my wrongs by taking myself off the board. ( And he did. But it's that exact conclusion that terrifies him now; that's the last thing he wants Jack to do. ) But we're more than just the sum of our mistakes, Jack. I know it doesn't feel that way sometimes, but it's true. You don't have to prove yourself worthy enough to keep living. Do you understand?
( Some pleading slips into his voice towards the end, despite himself, because he knows more than anyone how it feels like to be an abomination. And he wouldn't wish that on anyone, but especially not Jack. But the idea of losing Jack fills him with a familiar terror, the same he's felt at the prospect of losing all his loved ones, so he has to be very clear about it. ) I don't care what this Castiel says about you. I know you, and I need you to trust me when I say we need you here.
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He listens to Sam instead but there's uncertainty in his gaze. He wants to believe him but he's unsure if he should. He remembers when Sam told him that he understood what it was like to be him and he's bringing it up now too. To know that Sam also had feelings like this at some point is somewhat helpful, and maybe gives Jack some insight into why Sam so aggressively refused to listen to reason about him killing Chuck no matter what the cost. )
You're a good father, Sam, you always have been.
( Sam was his first real parent, because Castiel was dead when Jack was born. Sam took over for him for the start, and he treated him kindly and gently. Jack connected to him right away, and for him at least, he's always seen clearly the way he loves his parents. Even a complicated one like Dean. )
But this Castiel sees me as Dean sees me. And I've never thought that they were wrong.
( It hurt his feelings, obviously, Dean's hatred of him stung a great deal in those early days. Eventually they established a relationship, but he destroyed it with Mary. Still, he always rationally understood Dean's point of view, even as it upset him. Maybe not in the start, before he did anything bad, but later on, it became so clear. )
It's a very present concern that I'm three times an archangel now. I'm extremely dangerous. I'm doing my best to control it but I could be a threat to this world.
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But Jack keeps talking, so Sam pulls it together as best he can, shifting and letting out a small cough before focusing on Jack's concerns instead of his own feelings. Jack's worries aren't unfounded, and Sam doesn't have the answers to soothe them, doesn't even have a plan to help Jack feel a stronger sense of control. All he can really do is be here for him, and be the person who isn't afraid of him. And despite knowing Jack is more powerful than ever before, Sam really isn't afraid. Yes, things with Jack are complicated, but since when is anything in their family not? He knows Jack's a good kid, he always has. )
Well... ( Sam tilts his head thoughtfully, trying to put his thoughts into careful words. ) In a way, it's the same as when we met, right? I know you're more powerful, and you have every right to be concerned, but your powers are still yours, Jack. I think, like back then, the best thing we can do is what we've done before. Tread cautiously, but still use what we know to try to be the good guys. And I already know you can do that. ( Sam gives him a small, encouraging smile. ) I know that's not an answer, and I know it doesn't make the stuff with Cas any better. And you can always talk to me about any of it, you know that, right?
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Castiel's hit upon one of Jack's greatest weaknesses: his fear of himself and what he can do. It's been there from the first day, and while he's managed to do great things with his powers, and protect people using them, it's such an uncontrollable problem. A part of him does wonder if Castiel is right. He could have manipulated his mind. It's within his powers. He keeps expecting this Castiel to love him so it's difficult to understand that he can't.)
I haven't always been the good guy, Sam. I haven't always made you proud. I was out of control for a while and you had to lock me away, which I was mad about then, but I knew afterward you were right.
( It's said casually but to be frank, it was anything but casual to Jack at the time. He doesn't hold it against Sam though, not now. He sees so clearly on the other side of it the point they had to make. Jack proved that fear correct. And now he sees himself climbing up past that.)
But we don't have anything like a ma'lak box here. If I go wrong again, who can stop me?