( When Sam doesn't respond for a few minutes, it's not because Rowena has said anything wrong, it's because he's thinking hard over what she's said. He knows that when it comes to his powers returning, his only real options are to wait and hope they won't happen again - a tactic he used a long time ago, to no avail - or take what Rowena's offering and get a handle on them.
The offer is inherently terrifying, through no fault of Rowena's own. He had lost himself for so long after Dean went to Hell that he trusted Ruby for all the wrong reasons. Took her offer of being able to control his freak nature with both hands, then drove the world off the road with it. It wasn't just he demon blood that influenced him, he knows that now. But he also knows that his body has changed forever because of what he put in it, and that his addiction will most likely never fully go away. It's a muted desire most days, barely recognizable, but its tempting call lingers softly like a ghost in his psyche, in his blood.
Then, there are the things Dean once said to him, long forgiven, but impossible to forget. You turned yourself into a freak. You're a monster, Sam, a vampire. Even without Dean here, he has a good idea of how he'd react to the idea of Sam rehoning the skills Azazel gave him.
But here's not here, and there aren't any demons in this universe - as far as he knows - and Rowena is just saying what Sam has believed for a long time, what he's told her and Jack and others struggling with their dark past: it doesn't matter what you are, it only matters what you do.. And as long as he's stuck in this universe, he wants to help as many people as he can.
Finally, having decided, Sam picks up the phone and replies. )
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rosecarmine
cw substance use(ish)
Date: 2025-08-05 06:28 pm (UTC)The offer is inherently terrifying, through no fault of Rowena's own. He had lost himself for so long after Dean went to Hell that he trusted Ruby for all the wrong reasons. Took her offer of being able to control his freak nature with both hands, then drove the world off the road with it. It wasn't just he demon blood that influenced him, he knows that now. But he also knows that his body has changed forever because of what he put in it, and that his addiction will most likely never fully go away. It's a muted desire most days, barely recognizable, but its tempting call lingers softly like a ghost in his psyche, in his blood.
Then, there are the things Dean once said to him, long forgiven, but impossible to forget. You turned yourself into a freak. You're a monster, Sam, a vampire. Even without Dean here, he has a good idea of how he'd react to the idea of Sam rehoning the skills Azazel gave him.
But here's not here, and there aren't any demons in this universe - as far as he knows - and Rowena is just saying what Sam has believed for a long time, what he's told her and Jack and others struggling with their dark past: it doesn't matter what you are, it only matters what you do.. And as long as he's stuck in this universe, he wants to help as many people as he can.
Finally, having decided, Sam picks up the phone and replies. )
What do you have in mind?